Goose on the Loose and Geese for Lease

New me

2007-01-27T04:47:05Z

I have decided to start a new lj account. One that will be open, not friends only (for the most part). I am hoping to start analyzing and redoing myself over this break. I'm tired of me and I feel in a rut. I need to figure out what I'm all about at this point in my life. I want to cut the strings, and so, add me at ajna_chakra. In case you're wondering, your ajna chakra is your third eye. Neat, no?

http://ajna-chakra.livejournal.com/

Renovations still in progress.

And this is my last entry as smoke_reason. See you all on the other side.

Aftermath

2007-01-08T02:25:53Z

So I cried on the phone with the boy who is still determinedly cheerful for my sake and then I at long last did some tarot cards....and I feel better. Not that I learned anything I didn't know....they just help somehow. Gonna wait it out...

Nothing and nowhere is golden

2007-01-07T23:33:53Z

I'm not ready to go back. I don't think I ever will be. This year sucks. Period. There's way too much pressure. It's like so much is riding on this...and I just want to sleep away the days. Everything I want is compromised and I can't really do anything about it because that's just the way it is. Oh well. Too bad. How much can one person change, really? Desperate and ravenous. So weak and powerless. Will there be a reward at the end of this all or will the unfulfilling bullshit continue until our dying day? If that's the case, why postpone the dying day? Everyone's complying and waiting this out in the hopes that there will be what they really want at the end of the tunnel. Will that even happen? Is this just one of those "grass is greener on the other side" situations? Just look at the weather. It's barren. It ranges from cold to mild. There's no snow. It's been like this since, what, September? Will anything ever change? Will we ever be able to breathe? To actually inhale and exhale without wheezing or gasping or sighing? In grade eleven things were going so well. I had a past I was finally letting go of, a future I was looking forward to, and a present I was enriching. I was comfortable with myself and the way things were. Now I look at the past bitterly and the future hopelessly. And the present...I guess I just wait for it to turn into the past. I don't do tarot cards anymore. I haven't watched Waking Life in ages. I'm lacking spiritual fulfillment and personal reflection. I don't see any promising different path to find solace. Anytime I try to reflect or be spiritual I get bored and fall asleep. I'm truly set to autopilot and apathy prevents me from taking the wheel. I'm so sick of the way things have to be.

I really did not mean to make such a bitter entry. So it goes.

smoke_reason @ 2007-01-03T14:30:00

2007-01-03T19:32:20Z

A very interesting study of various drugs' effects on spider webs...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

I got an iPod, wooo!

2006-12-29T22:10:28Z

Ok so I recently got myself involved with the notion that I would like an iPod and I liked the idea so much, that I went out two days ago and bought myself one. It's a white (I wanted black originally, but they were out and I was too impatient and didn't care that much) 30GB video. I haven't got any videos on it yet because the internet's down on the computer that has all the music but I did upload all of my 600 photos as well as 975 songs with mega room to spare. I've still got a lot more CDs to put on but I didn't want to have to fill in all the info myself. Anyway, now that I have one, I'm definitely doing that thing where you put it on shuffle and do the first lines of the first 20 songs and people have to guess. So if you'd like to play (please humour me)...

1. Sunlight opened up my eyes to see for the first time.

2. Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them.

3. To get up and walk away would be too easy, so stay and stand your ground.

4. Where do we go from here?

5. I dream of rain. (haha)

6. From the top to the bottom, bottom to top I stop.

7. We will not return to the countless mistakes of the past.

8. There are barn doors and there are revolving doors. (I don't think anyone will be able to discern what he's saying in the song anyway)

9. I found me a reason.

10. Now I will tell you what I've done for you.

11. I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.

12. Long lost words whisper slowly to me.

13. I'm just a simple girl in a high-tech digital world. (haha)

14. Don't tread the water, just stay still.

15. I live a chemical life.

16. Conversion, software, version 7.0, looking at life through the eyes of a tired hub, eating seeds as a pasttime activity.

17. Everyone, everyone around here, everyone is so near.

18. Watch me heap up what I've sewn.

19. Hey pig, yeah you.

20. Push you out of the way.

Hmmm...now guess!

I'm sorry, he's cute.

Alone in every aspect except for our collective separation

2006-11-19T23:07:34Z

Let down and hanging around...

Whenever I actually have time to stop and think, I end up realizing how much I hate everything. Damn.

We're all divided.

P.S. I miss those headphones.

My Celebrity Lookalikes

2006-10-17T21:47:49Z

Why am I so foreign?

And not that any of you care, but let's see who my dearest looks like.

Hahaha I'm dating Bon Jovi meets Owen Wilson.

Capture every moment before it fades

2006-10-07T01:30:45Z

Last night the sudden fear surfaced that I'm letting things pass me by. Of course I'm enjoying life and trying to savour the moments, but everything flies by so quickly that I'm afraid I'll only realize how great everything is when I've moved on to a new stage, and my memories of now will quickly fade. I can save these moments in photos. I can capture that moment on that day in that year in that time of my life. Ok, ignoring all my melodrama right there, I just wanted to take some pictures of my life on that particular night. I took some pictures of myself and the doggies. And pictures of my youngest brother and I as well. What a kid. I don't want to have a hazy memory of him right now - or our relationship. Anyway, bla bla bla, here are some photos of my life right now (or right yesterday).

Chinese Lantern Festival

2006-10-01T18:15:36Z

New batch

2006-09-27T01:21:09Z

Here are the rest of the photos for my photog project. I've actually got I think 2 others, but they're nothing special. Just good for some bonus marks. These ones are a little closer unfortunately haha.

Piccies from photog

2006-09-20T02:00:15Z

Alrighty, here are ze fruits of my labours. I quite like em all.

OEC (cottage) pictures

2006-08-14T22:36:26Z

I lost a whole bunch of what I thought would be really great pictures because I didn't load my film properly. I guess it was bound to happen sometime. Still quite tragic though. Anyway, I got a new roll and used it all up in one day on a picture taking frenzy. Here are the best.

Photos in the rain with Liz

2006-07-21T22:06:38Z

NEW SONG

2006-07-07T02:36:38Z

www.myspace.com/thecandiedyams

New song up. It's called Triple R (as in hardcore like triple x but environmental: reduce, re-use, recycle) get it? Hahahaha....ha. Ok.

Anyway, please go and listen and friend us if you're on myspace and comment and spread the word and do whatever but just listen.

We're excited about it.

Thankee toodloo.

Piccies piccies!

2006-06-26T23:11:09Z

Here are some random pictures:

I feel like Richard...except my pictures aren't as pro.

Self portrait dans le mirroir:

Pull for help:

Justin bringing me some apple juice and water:

The crank bed I inhabited for 5 days:

My hand with the IV:

The pathetic hospital food:

The boy who was by my side the whole time (Bless his heart):

Some of the many bouquets received:

I like these pictures. They really sum up my experience.

TCY Update

2006-06-23T02:24:18Z

Ok, we have our first song on our purevolume account.

www.purevolume.com/thecandiedyams

It sounds really crappy, like its been recorded through a telephone. But the point is, we have our first song recorded and available to the public. We'll get better. Anyway, check it out.

Phooie!

2006-06-22T08:28:27Z

Now here this. Now here this. The summer of The Candied Yams has begun! *cheers* We have now finished making our lame ass purevolume account that we assure you will get better when it's not 4:30 in the morning.

www.purevolume.com/thecandiedyams

Go. Visit it now bitches. If you read this soon you'll only get to hear our silly sorry apology phoney message thingy but later on today we shall add real songs. We also have amusing blog updates galore (well we will anyway).

We shall be flaunting The Candied Yams til kingdom come so get used to it. Over and out.

Indubitably yours,
The Candied Yams

ARE YOU READYYY????

2006-06-13T02:13:22Z

Okeydoke so I'm antsy like an ant and fidgety like a monkey on "soda" as they call it in those stateroonies. Now see here, school's done for me on Friday since I have no exams (how lovely indeed) and I am sooo excited about summahtime. I've now got Cubase on my computer as well as Photoshop and Liz and I are going to town with The Candied Yams. We'll polish our old songs, write new ones, make them sound as good as can be, make a myspace and a purevolume, take pictures and videos, and above all we're going to bombard you with our music until you're all cultish fans. It's going to be so much fun and so cool too. The Candied Yams cannot be classified. We can sound like anything because we're just that random. We've got a silly sense of humour and limited musical knowledge but it works damnit! Word on the street is Mike's going to interview us on his fab webzine as well. The Candied Yams will be taking over the world! And what a lovely world it will be.

Some Easter thoughts

2006-04-15T22:09:00Z

Hey, if Jesus says so...This is the result of us deciding paint was not only for Easter eggs, but to be used on our faces in the warrior fashion. Of course spoons were necessary.

The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

2006-04-08T15:15:39Z

This song makes me so hohmmmmmmmm. That might not make sense to anyone but me, but that's alright. Jane and I were listening it to repeat at le Ritz thing. It was nice, I spent dinner and after with her and Caitlyn (and Moykle but he doesn't count for the point I'm going to make) and it was nice because I don't see them anymore but last night proves we still have le bond of friendship. After Ritz did our first set rehearsal, I curled up in the back corner under some coats and fell asleep. This of course involves drooling and snoring. I'm such a lovely sleeper haha. I felt a lot better afterward though.

The date of the monkey fight is fast approaching though it still has not become a reality to me yet. I'm probably going to freak out like mad the day before. I'm not liking the suspense though. I'm so anxious to get a break from school, even if it will be in pain and swollen neck-ness. Let's see, there's next week which is 4 days. Then easter weekend. Ok does anyone know if we really do get the Monday off? I've asked around and I think we do but it's not an official holiday, like people are still working. Sooo if we do have the Monday off, then it's just 3 more days of school and I'm gone.

Can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck?

Violated

2006-03-29T21:08:32Z

So yesterday I had a most hideous bus encounter. I don't know who I told about the dude that hit on me and the Clarkson Go bus terminal last year and felt it appropriate to stick his tongue down my throat. Well anyway I was all paralyzed-like and I didn't even kick him in the nads or anything and then I felt even worse and it was one of the shittiest experiences of my life.

SOOO I get off the 19 at the Square One bus terminal yesterday and none other but....Honestly what the hell are the chances of running into that dude again. I'm pretty sure he just rides the buses scoping for chicks. So yeah he's going to opposite way from me but he saw me and I think he recognized me too...I just kept walking feeling all sick and such. But he followed me onto the 26 and sat down like right beside me. So I've got my music on and I'm just not looking at him and he's talking to me but I'm pretending I can't hear him. But then he starts touching my leg, trying to get my attention so I finally acknowledge him. And he says to me "So is that an electric guitar or an acoustic guitar?" which is such a dumb question, especially since (as I informed him curtly) it was a bass. He goes "Oh cool. Rock's my favourite type of music". I just said "That's nice". Then I just put my music back on and avoided eye contact for the whole bus ride even though he kept trying to catch my eye and talk to me. Then he puts on his music and starts "rocking out". I wanted to fucking kick him in the face. But I was so scared, he kept staring at me and I swear to God I thought he was going to follow me home and rape me or something. So he stayed with me all the way to South Common mall and thankfully he didn't follow me as I walked home.

Blech.

I feel obligated to update

2006-03-26T16:07:45Z

So I haven't been updated for a long time because I know that if I did, it would be pretty gross. So I'm updating because I feel obliged to, but I'll keep the gross factor down to a minimum. Actually, I've also been pretty busy. There's been a lotta work lately, it kinda sucks. Oh well I'll be getting a break soon soon soon.

So hmm what is there to say? Yesterday I had the big date and it was fabulous. Anytime I spend with him is pretty perfect. Ok that's gross, I'm sorry. Anyway, we went downtown. We bought tons of candy at Sugar Mountain. We wandered through Queen street and then down through Chinatown. We went to a mall there called Dragon City. It was pretty cool. They had a really ugly lingerie store. Oh and Liz! They were making waffles in the foyer area and it smelled SO GOOD! Like that time at Laura Secord. Anyway, then we just wandered back and on the way went down this sidestreet and saw this Italian Cafe and decided to eat there. It was so cheesy, we had the two person table at the front window like in all the movies haha. But the food was fab so tis now officially our place. It was cool, it reminded me of my old house with the radiators and chipped paint and creaky wooden floors. It was weird though cause it was an Italian restaurant that was still in the Asian district with British waiters. Hehehe. Then we went and saw V for Vendetta which was pretty cool. Then we went to his house and...relaxed on the couch.

There, that wasn't too bad. I managed to relay the day with only one gross part. Of course I skipped all the moments I found great because they'd be gross. Oh well.

I'm really digging this song right now. I woke up with it in my head.

So I need to go brush my teeth and then eat some food. I'm hungry mama.

Victoria's now single

2006-03-11T19:52:43Z

Just thought all you boys would like to know. Haha not at all. Actually, I feel pretty crap. It was definitely what I needed though. I feel relieved. I know I did the right thing. Too bad he wasn't in the same state of mind as myself.

March Break you ask?
- Drivers Ed at John Frasier, Mon - Thurs, 8:30 - 3:15
- Emptying out then redoing my room
- Band practice Tues, Thurs, Fri
- Going out with Justin
- Homework

Oi vay.

Analogy

2006-03-07T23:47:02Z

Ever watch a movie that's getting worse and worse and you know it's ending but you're not sure if you should just turn it off or wait for it to wind down on it's own time, secretly hoping it'll redeem itself? I'm wondering whether I should hit the power button and cut it off right now. It's tired. It's old. It isn't what it used to be. And I don't know that it's going anywhere. Damnit. Why didn't I listen to Kurt Cobain?

It's better to burn out, than to fade away.

Bark Bark Bark Bark

2006-03-05T15:58:19Z

Dumb dog woke me up before 10 this morning. Come on man, I need to make up for all the sleep I didn't get during the week! But he was literally barking at my door for what I'm guessing to be between 5 and 10 minutes. At that time I could no longer ignore him so I got my grumpy ass outta bed and opened my door. Then he came in all whiny and wiggly and begging love but I just got back into bed. Couldn't sleep though, so I've just been doing the same useless shite I always do on the computer for about an hour now.

So last night was Nicole's party. I got their 45 minutes early so nobody would have to miss Devin's hockey for me. So I sat at Timothy's with a medium caramel, vanilla, nut macchiato and I wrote her a random story about chocolate dinosaurs and a magical goat and Malvina Reynolds. Then it was time and we played a round of miniput. Then for the second round, we each had a coke. It was actually almost like I was drunk, I was on such a caffeine and sugar rush. It was pretty intense. So tired though.

So yeah we watched Fight Club and what a movie twas. It's bad cause I get the feeling that a lot of people (perhaps those guys included) don't really understand all the meaning in it. I'm sure there are a lot of people who just laugh at some of the sordid humour they have in there "We were selling rich women their own fat asses right back to them" and just think it's cool with all the fighting and such. But it really made me think of the way we live, the way we perceive things, the way our society functions. The philosophy of the main character was somewhat like existentialism but more hopeless. Instead of being like "it is up to us to make our own way and make our own lives" it was more like "it is up to us to do what we can which isn't much". Completely devoid of materialism though. He was talking about how our possessions own us and define our lives and who we are. And it's pretty true. And I tried to think of myself without my cd's, without my clothes, without my bed, without my make up. What would I do? What would I be? I couldn't do it.

Ah my philosophical bullshit ramblings...